Week In Review: A Little Reframing Needed

I got a little obsessed this week...with the scale. After last week's confusing weigh in I was having high anxiety about getting on the scale again. And all the sudden my week became about Friday morning and what I could do to make sure the number went down again. In the back of my head I didn't really think it was possible. I still think last week's 5.8lb lost was a little bit of a fluke...plus I'm about to get my period and I think I'm retaining water from some super intense workouts this week. I was pretty sure when I stepped on the scale again I was going to weigh more than 195.6 lbs. There were a couple days during the week where I wasn't sure I was ready for that. I had been doing everything right...why was the scale going to punish me now with a gain?

And that's when I realized I need to focus on something other than the scale and my weigh in. Those 60 seconds I spend on the scale on Friday mornings should not totally consume my entire week. I need to stay focused more on my healthy decisions...what I'm doing to put me first...the great moments I have and how good I'm feeling...you know all the stuff that happens every other second of the week. So my WI blog posts are no more. I'm still going to do a post at the end of the week and it will include my current weight. But it's not going to be all about that number. I'm going to recap my last week and lay out some goals for the next week. I've seen a few other bloggers do this (especially *Bitch Cakes*) and I think it is a great idea!

Moments of Brilliance:

• I tracked all week - and felt like I ate better this week than I have in awhile.

• I worked out 6 out of the 7 days this week. Friday night I was even able to run for ten minutes. Which is something I don't really remember doing in a while. I have managed to keep my workouts pretty varied and I'm not killing myself everyday. I have a couple intense workouts, but also take it easy some nights. I feel like I'm finding a good balance with my workouts. I am getting stronger and stronger, but I'm not completely exhausted and can actually get out of bed in the morning.
• I have started posting on the WW message boards and commenting on other people's blogs. And I have started to tell more friends about my get-healthy goals. I think it's important to have a community around me to help and encourage me. I think in the past I have been ashamed of being overweight. I never let people know I was trying to loose weight and get healthier because that meant admitting to them that I wasn't perfect.
• Saturday night I dragged my friend to a Roller Derby bout in Yonkers. I've never been, but a another friend of mine joined a league this Fall and she suggested I should check it out. We drove to Yonkers, had dinner at Bella Havanna and then went to the bout. It was interesting to say the least. But once we called my friend to get a quick run-down of the rules it was actually fun to watch. Here are some photos from the night. 

Mojitos at Bella Havana

Suburbia Roller Derby Brawl v. LIRR

 Looking Forward - Goals and Exciting Things Coming Up

• I want to make sure I track everyday this week. I know it just makes me feel more in control of the situation, and even when I feel like things are not going exactly as they should be I can look back and see what good decisions I have made. 
• Workouts - Monday and Thursday are going to be my intense workouts this week. 20 minutes on the Arc Trainer / 20 minutes on the stairclimber / 20 minutes on the bike
• I want to run for at least one mile this week on the treadmill. 
• Focus on drinking water. There are days I just forget to drink it and I can tell. Need to stay hydrated. Makes me feel so much better. 
• Don't focus on the scale and my weigh-in day.

Current Weight: 199.2 lbs

WI: Stayed the Same

Current Weight: 201.4

*I STAYED THE SAME THIS WEEK*

I totally expected it. I'm OK with it. I feel strong, I feel healthy.

I'm still making good choices.

The weekend was a little over the top...and I think I let Valentine's Day get to me. Not gonna lie, my body image is so wrapped up in my feelings of loneliness and unworthiness at times... And I don't think I fully realized it this weekend. Until this moment, I THOUGHT I was handling it just fine. But, I'm writing this blog and getting a little teary eyed. That baked ziti I ate late Saturday night was definitely emotional eating. I didn't need it, I wasn't hungry. But I felt empty, I felt like something was missing. And I ate. I knew it wasn't going to make me feel better in the long run, but I guess I did it anyway. I wanted to feel good in that moment.

But I have to let go of this desperation to be with a man. I need to realize that a man will not make me whole. I need to feel whole on my own. To realize I'm great and that I deserve to be treated amazingly by a man. And that I will also always be amazing without one by my side. Because until then I'm not going to be ready for a relationship.

But I knew all this before Monday. And there are times that I *FEEL* this. Truly feel it down to the core and it helps me make healthy decisions. But I'm still going to have those moments where I struggle. Where I might not make the right decision. It's all part of the journey.

The important thing to remember is that I'm sitting here this morning feeling good about my decisions. Feeling good about my internal monologue. I didn't let the weekend or Valentines ruin my whole week or impact the progress I've made so far. I still went to the gym. I still ate great. I said yes when I should, and no when I should.

One thing I'm most proud about is that on Wednesday, when I got a late night text from someone wanting a little company I said no, because I knew I deserved better. I didn't latch onto something that may have made feel good in that moment, but later just leave me feeling empty and alone.

So maybe I didn't stay the same this week.

The number is the same, but things are changing. I'm truly choosing to put me first.

PLUS: I had to wear a belt today with pants that use to be too tight!!!