But, that is not exactly where I wanted this post to go. I wanted to talk about some of the emotional issues that impact how I feel about myself, because I think that part of this journey is learning to feel good about myself. To know that I am worth putting myself first. That I deserve the best life for me.
Something happened this week that has left me not feeling great about myself. I had a falling-out with one of my friends. A friend I thought would be a huge presence in my life for many years to come. I'm sad that the friendship is over. It's been a huge confidence blow. As women our self-worth is often tied-up in our relationships and friendships. It is hard for me to understand how someone can so easily just write me out of their life. It was shocking to me to see how differently we viewed the situation. It makes me feel really alone and it is hard to not let her perception of things be the reality.
We had basically stopped talking after I went to visit her a few months ago (we met while working during the summer and had stayed in touch via phone, inter-webs and a couple other visits). The trip wasn't perfect...but life often isn't. Right now I'm mad at myself that I put myself in a vulnerable position and fought to try to move the friendship past the conflict we had. To address what was happening between us and stop pretending that nothing happened. Perhaps it would have been much easier to just let things fade away. I certainly wouldn't feel as bad as I do right now. Cause honestly, as much as I felt sad that things were moving in the direction they were, I had previously questioned if this was the best friendship for me...many months before the visit. But I seem to keep forgetting that and I feel like a weak little puppy that went back to beg someone to be my friend. I somehow let myself become the victim.
And that is exactly where I don't want to be. I don't want her to view me that way. I don't want other people to view me that way. And most importantly, I don't want to view myself that way. I need to know that I'm in control of my life. And that the falling out with my friend does not define who I am. I think that is a trap I fall into a lot. I let the mistakes, the failures, the not so great moments in life define who I am to myself. I forget about all the great things I have done in life. I totally OBSESS OVER and OVER ANALYZE all the little bad moments. I forget about the amazing friendships I do have. I forget about all the great things I have done in life.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP DOING THAT!!!
I think if I can it will be a huge life change, but I know it's not something I can just wish to happen and it will. It is going to take some work. My internal dialog is going to need to some major re-writes. I'm not quite sure how to do it right now. I know I will need some help. I know that I just have to keep putting myself first, but continue to be a compassionate friend. I need to stop obssesing and making things bigger than they are. I need to surround myself with people that will help build me up. It's all about building my self-confidence.
I've been really sad this week and it has thrown me a little off course (it's easy to sit around and mope when you have no job to go to). But I managed to continue to eat healthy and I didn't stop my workouts. And right now I'm going to let myself be proud of that.