Stuck...and Avoiding It

So, I have pretty much been losing and gaining the same three pounds for the past five months. Needless to say it is getting annoying. Although, not too annoying, because my usual coping mechanism has kicked-in in high gear: avoidance.

I have a few excuses explanations that I want to take some time to explore here:
  • My weight lost pretty much stopped back in June when I went away to camp. I knew it was going to be hard to lose weight at camp...I usually gain weight during the summer. My schedule is crazy, I don't have a lot of control over when and what I eat, there is very little time to get in exercise and there are always people around willing to get boozey. But I think I fell victim to self-fulfilling prophecy. And I didn't lose any weight at camp. :( The thing is, it's the middle of November now... and this is no longer an excuse. I think part of me is mad at myself...if I kept going the way I was I would have reached goal before the summer was over. I felt like I wasted my time and made bad decisions. But I need to let that go. The summer was the summer. It is over now...and I didn't gain weight at camp. I did make some healthy choices at camp: I discovered the greatness of kettlebell, I didn't indulge in *every* treat that was brought into the office, I took some time for myself, I got up early in the morning to work out, I went straight to bed some nights to get the rest I knew I needed. But in true form I tend to hold onto the stupid, bad decisions I made and beat myself up for making them...even today...three months later! But it's over and I need to let it go. When you "weigh in" online with WW and gain a little weight this is what it says in the little screen that pops up: Look back at this week and see what you might be able to change; then let go of what you can't. The best thing to do is focus on is making this coming week a success. I think the most important part of that sentence is: then let go of what you can't. I can look back at the summer and identify ways in which I could have been healthier (cause I know how to do this weight loss thing for real!) but I need to learn how to let go of what I can't change. The past is the past...time to learn from it and move on. I need to stop letting the summer weigh me down, literally. 
  • Um, also...I'm unemployed. Which is stressful...and hard. I don't have a daily schedule. I don't have something to keep me busy and not bored during the day. I don't have a routine. I don't have my own space. Rejection is getting hard. Bills are causing major anxiety. My computer is is on the outs (but I don't have a job and I feel foolish buying a new computer, but a computer is essential for the whole job search thing...ugh). I'm living with my family so I don't have complete control over what food is in the house. I'm feeling a bit isolated from my friends and mourning the lost of my independence. BUT, but, but! This was my choice. At this point it's getting harder to remember why leaving my job was the best choice for me...but I know it was. And honestly I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start taking advantage of this time. Because honestly...I have the freedom to go to the gym for two hours in the morning if I want to. I have time to cook the foods I want. I have time to figure out what I really want to do with  my life (which is a subject large enough for another post.)
I took some photos the other day when I was feeling especially gross:

Whoops...but really feeling the rolls this day.

186 lbs - feeling stuck
I think the most frustrating part is that I keep losing the gaining back the same three pounds. One week I do great and then the next I don't. A pattern I have fallen into before. But I really, really want to keep working on this get healthy thing. And I think it is especially important right now: for my confidence, for my happiness.

I keep thinking about how we are getting closer to the new year from when I really started this journey. I know I'm not going to be at my goal weight come new years eve...but that is OK because I have already have little accomplishments to celebrate:

  • I've already lost 30lbs!
  • I'm at the lowest weight of my adult life.
  • I'm wearing size 12 pants!!! Size 12. Never, ever before did I buy a size 12! XL shirts are getting too large for me. (This is something I need to celebrate more...the day I bought my size 12 pants I was more focused on what a wash the summer was that I didn't celebrate the moment.)
  • I have gained the skills to lose weight...I know I can do this.
  • I left a job that wasn't making me happy.
I just want to go into the new year feeling good about myself. Not bloated and gross. I want to be losing weight and feeling slimmer. I want to be working out daily...and maybe finally be working on those guns I have always wanted. I want to blog more and stop avoiding whats going on with me. I want to hold myself accountable. And even though I won't be at goal weight...these little goals are achievable before 1.1.2012! I'm gonna do it!

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