Shopping has almost never been a pleasant experience for me. In fact, there were many days it was, frankly, depressing. I always went in with high hopes, but they were quickly squashed when: 1) they didn't have my size, 2) the clothes didn't fit, 3) the clothes I wanted to be wearing, what everyone else was wearing, didn't fit my body. When I first started this journey, last January, I made it a point not to go shopping. It was just too much of a downer. I didn't want the thrill of my little successes to get derailed by a pair of jeans not fitting. So I didn't go. And I haven't gone much since then. Sometimes I have to go out of necessity...because I don't have any pants that fit. But in the good way...my pants keep falling off. But, I still wasn't trying on anything else.
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| The dress that didn't fit. |
That is slowly starting to change. I have a wedding to go to in about a week and need a new dress. I figured I would go for a fit that has worked in the past...but then found a sale dress that was something I never tried before. It was a form fitting piece that hugged my body. I figured I would just try it and try not to beat myself up too much when it didn't fit. Well, it did fit...almost. My boobs were too big for the dress. (You can see how it was pulling out around my armpit area.) But, it was pretty close to fitting! And I don't think Banana Republic really designs clothes for large breasted women.
But here is the important part. I didn't hate it...and it showed off my body, er go - I didn't hate my body. Look, I'm not where I want to be, only about half way, but I don't hate my body. I don't hate my body! That was such an ah-ha moment for me. For the first time I was really embracing my curves, I wasn't feeling afraid to show off my body....hell, I even walked out of the dressing room to the big mirror. Out of the dressing room! Are you kidding me? Out where people could see me! I have a feeling that is something many chubby girls don't do...I know I rarely ever did before.
I ended up buying another dress somewhere else, with a similar fit. I love it. (I'm sure I will post some photos from the wedding.) Getting dressed up has only rarely been a fun experience for me. I just feel like I don't fit in, that the dress I'm wearing doesn't fit right or looks frumpy or gross. But I don't think I will feel that way this time. And I think it is because I'm finally accepting my body for what it is and working with it. I'm pretty excited about it!
